Chamber of Secrets with an insane turn
by MidnightStar4
Summary: Hi! Here's a weird version of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Warning: In order to understand most of the jokes, you must have watched all the Harry Potter movies and read all the books.


**Salutations. I was digging through my computer documents and found this incredibly ridiculous and somewhat funny "script" of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. It's not the whole movie and probably will never be done. :(**

**Enjoy! (P.S. Sorry if I made fun of your favorite character! XP)\**

**Harry**: Dum dum, dum dum dum, dum dum… dum…

**Vernon**: What are you singing sweetheart, Harry?

**Harry**: MY theme song. NO TOUCHY!

**Vernon**: So I'll say 'Welcome Mr…' what's his name again?

**Dudey**: I think it was Mr. Maze.

**Vernon**: Ok. So I'll greet the freaks, then you… what's your name again?

**Petunia**: I think I thought that I had forgotten how to think. I don't remember.

**Dudley**: Petunia, why is your neck as long as a giraffe's?

DING DONG DINGA LINGA DING DONG DING DOGGA WOGGA DING LOGGA WOGGA DING DING DONG BRRIIINNG!

**Harry**: I think that was the doorbell.

**Harry**: AHHHH!!! A… A…! (What are you?)

**Dobby**: I sir? I is not a house-elf. I is a house-elf.

**Harry**: Why are you holding my letters?

**Dobby**: Dobby did not steal them from Mailman Todd. He gratefully gave them to me. Like an _equal_!

**Vernon**: BOOOY??? YOU COME DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!

**Vernon**: Harry, dear, meet my good friends… (what are your names?)

**Mr. Mason**: I am Todd and this is my wife Bob.

**Bob Mason**: Plearsed tuh maert ya Hairy!

**Dobby**: Snap-o wap-o, the pudding will go SMACKO on that lady's HEAD!

SMACKO!

**Vernon**: Hooray! Five cheers for Dobby! Hooray hooray hooray hooray HOORAY!

**Ron**: Harry, we'll save you!

**Harry**: Why?

**Fred**: I think it's because you have five locks on your door and bars over your window.

**Vernon**: You know I had no apparent reason for doing that. Oh! Um, GET HIM… what's your name?

**Petunia**: I totally forgot. Sorry, man.

**Harry**: See ya in a couple minutes!

**Mrs. Weasley**: WHERE **HAVE** YOU BEEEEEN??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

**Ron**: We were rescuing Harry, you big fat hag

**Mrs. Weasley**: Oh. Ok!

**Harry**: I love your house Mr. Weasley.

**Mrs. Weasley**: Why, thank you Harry. But Mr. Weasley isn't here yet.

**Harry**: What do you mean? YOU are Mr. Weasley.

**Mrs. Weasley**: Oh! Why, thank you Harry! No one has ever said that to me before! What a nice complement!

**Mr. Weasley**: Good evening Potters!

**All**: Hi Mrs. Weasley.

**Mr. Weasley**: Good gosh! It's the famous Harry Weasley! I've never heard of you before!

**Harry**: Oh. Imagine that.

**Ginny**: Mummy have you seen my handcuffs?

**Mr. Weasley**: Yes dear, it was on the rhinoceros.

**Ron**: DIAGON ALLEYYYYY!!!! OH YEAH!!!!!!V WHOOO!!!!! CAN YOU DANCE LIKE A HIPPOGRIFF? MA MA MA, MA MA MA, MA MA MAAAA!!!!!! WHOO! THANK YOU NEW YORK CITY!!!!

**Percy**: Oh yes. Rock and roll dude.

**George**: Percy is such a cool dude, dude.

**Harry**: How did Ron DO that? He just exapaloded in da green fire! Mommy! You killed my best mate, mate! Oh. Uh, diagonally-people-is-that-how-you-say-it-oh-well-im-gonna-turn-up-in-borgins-anyway-so-see-ya-there-not!

**Harry**: Oof. I think I landed in Borgins and Burkes.

**Hagrid**: Harry get out of here! Nobody that lives on Hogwarts grounds is supposed to be down here!

**Harry**: Oh, sorry. Good thing you aren't here too because you live on-

**Hermione**: HARRY! OH HARRY I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU HARRY! COME ON THE WHOLE FAMILY IS LOOKING FOR YOU SO HARD THAT THEIR EYES ARE GLUED TO THE GROUND!

**Ron**: Nice job Dad. You just stuck our eyes to the ground.

**Dad**: Oh come on! I was just trying out this muggle item called G-l-u-e. Gloo. Gloo!

**Lockhart**: Bum bum bada bum bum bum, baaada, boom bada da!

**Harry**: What's that you suppose he's singing.

**Mrs**. **Weasley**: Ooh! I love that Gilderoy Lockhart more than I love my three daughters!

**Ginny**: I'm one daughter!

**Ron**: I'm the other daughter!

**Mr**. **Weasley**: And I'm the third daughter!

**Lockhart**: Oh. Look everyone, Harry Potter is here.

**Everyone**: Oh. Whoop dee doo.

**Lockhart**: Harry! You are SOOOO not on my buddy list! You're on my baddy list!

**Malfoy**: Oh look! It's Harry! Daddy, daddy! I want his autograph! Ooohhh!

**Ginny**: Harry, I have something to tell you. I like Malfoy and not you. Ha ha.

**Lucius**: ARTHUR!

**Mr**. **Weasley**: LUCIUS!

They hug like when Lupin and Sirius hugged, oh, oops, that didn't happen yet!

**Lucius**: Arthur, now I will put Riddle's diary in Ginny's watchamacalit.

**Arthur**: Ok! Ginny! You better not throw that book right through Moaning Myrtle's head in the girls' bathroom that no one uses.

**Ginny**: Oh! How did you know I was going to do that?

**Arthur**: I am sigh kick!

**Hermione**: cough cough _psychic_! wheeze cough hack

**Ron**: Gesundheit!

**Mrs. Weasley**: GO! THROUGH THE BARRIER! COME ON!

**Ron**: Ok.

**Mr**. **Weasley**: No! Only special people can go first. You can go at 12:00.

**Harry**: That's a good idea. Especially since the train leaves at eleven.

**Harry and Ron**: Let's run into that wall!

SMACK!

**Ron**: Say! Let's take the car! Dad will never notice it was gone! Especially since it will only throw us out, and then run wild into the forest.

**Harry**: Goodness gracious great balls of fire! Oh yeah! Uh huh! We're sigh kick!

**Ron**: Let's make up a song to entertain the person reading this script right now cause they're probably bored out of their skulls.

**Harry**: Ok!

_Ohhhh… We smashed into a wall_

_The conductors yelled at us_

_We cried like little old ladies_

_And then a Whomping Willow squished us to death_

_La la la la laaa!_

(**Ron**: Sing it Hairy!)

_Yeeeahhh!!!!!!!!_

_We smaaaashed into a walll!!!!!_

_Dude, like, yeah…_

**Ron**: Harry! What are you doing?

**Harry**: Well, I sorta felt like dangling from a flying car, you know, to see how it feels like…

**Ron**: Ok. Let's just ride the entire trip like this. Me driving, and you dangling above death.

**Harry**: OK!

_Two hours later_

**Harry**: I'm kinda slipping.

**Ron**: Oh, what a surprise. Let me pull you up!

**Harry**: No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOO!!!!!!

**Ron**: Geez.

**Car**: I totally hate you guys now so I'll just try to park in this pretty little tree.

**Whomping Willow**: I won't get overexcited if something lands in me… AGHH! A CAR!!!! DIE!!!!! DIE!!!!!!!!!

**Car**: Phooey! A terrible place to park! How about on this nice ground?

**Harry and Ron**: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**Car**: Yuck! You guys taste bad! I'll just spit you out! Patooey!

**Harry**: Eww! You spitted!

**Filch**: Harry! Ron! I'm so glad to see you!!!!! Now I can turn you in to McGonagall… wait, better yet! A guy that doesn't even have the control to expel you!

**Snape**: Do you have ANY idea how serious… aw, what the heck. You guys can go.

**McGonagall**: NOT SOOOO FAAASSTTT!!!!!!!!! I SAY WHAT HAPPENS TO THESE BOYYSSSS!!!!!! NOT YOUUUU, SEVERUSS!!!!!!!! You two can go.

**Howler**: Ron. How dare you steal a car. You should've stolen your father's car.

**Ron**: But I did!

**Howler**: No you didn't.

**Ron**: No I did!

**Howler**: Yes you didn't!

**Harry**: Four seconds later.

**Howler**: Fine! BE THAT WAY!!!!!!!

**Sprout**: Here is a thing. Here is a pot. Here is some dirt. I pull this little baby from it's root and replant it.

**Everyone**: faint

**Sprout**: Oops. I forgot. The crying is fatal.

**Hermione**: I knew that! (beams while covering her ears)

**Harry and Ron**: We didn't. faint

**Malfoy**: I'm so smart. I'm gonna stick my finger in its mouth.

**Mandrake**: CHOMP

**Malfoy**: Ow! My middle finger! Now I can't make obscene hand gestures at Harry!

**Harry**: Yeah. Like I really care.

**Lockhart**: I am so totally awesome! And if you guess my favorite color, I'll turn you into a CORNISH PIXIE!!!!!!!!!!

**Hermione**: Is it lavender?

**Lavender**: Hey! That's me!

**Ron**: I like that girl named Lilac.

**Lockhart**: Oh! That boy guessed it! Poof! You are a pixie!

**Ron**: …

**Harry**: …

**Hermione**: Um, my favorite teacher ever? You kinda didn't turn him into a-

**Lockhart**: YES I KNOW! DON'T RUB IT IN YOU SILLY LITTLE GIRL! I DIDN'T MEAN TO TAKE CREDIT FOR EVERYTHING! I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!

**Harry**: Uh. That's okay. Pat

**Lockhart**: GROWL! DON'T TOUCH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so mad at you all! I think I will unleash the most deadly creature ever!

**Hermione**: Gasp!

**Harry**: Gasp-er!

**Ron**: Gasp-ist!

**Malfoy**: Pshhh…

**Lockhart**: …you worst nightmare come true, the most lethal ever! Deadler than any incantation in the world! You can't do anything but scream!

**Hermione**: faint

**Lockhart**: … besides fainting. AND HERE THEY ARE!!!!!!

**Lockhart**: throw blanket off cage

(A little beetle sits inside)

**Seamus**: A beetle. A beetle? A BEETLE???? AGHHH!!!!!

**Hermione**: I think that's Rita Skeeter.

**Lockhart**: Aww, but I made such a good blanket-taking-offing flourish!

**Malfoy**: Hermione. You are a (beep)

(A/N: (beep) Mudblood. GASP)

**All**: OHHH!!!!!!

**Ron**: Such a foul word! I think the best thing I can do to kill you is to make you EAT SLUGS!!!!!!!!

**Hermione**: My hero! Oh. You're… burping up slugs. Now you're not my hero. By the way, what's a (beep)?

**All**: OHHH!!!!!!!!

**Hermione**: What's so bad about the word (beep)?

**All**: OHHH!!!!!!!

**Hermione**: I don't get it! The word (beep) sounds like nothing that's really bad…

**All**: Will you stop saying that????

**Harry**: Hermy's right! It's like you guys are hearing (beep) as if it is Voldemort.

**All**: faint

**Ron**: Hello??? Have you all forgotten about me???? burps up slug

**Hagrid**: Hey guys! I just noticed that my name is "ha" and "grid" combined! Totally s-w-e-e-t!

**Harry**: Um, s-w-e-e-t. Sw-eet. Sweet. Sweet! Yeah!

**Ron**: Burp. Burp burp burp burp!

**Hagrid**: Tell me the story again! I love bedtime stories!

**Hermione**: It's noon.

**Harry**: Well, it was like this:

_**Malfoy**: Hermione. You are a (beep)_

_**All**: OHHH!!!!!!_

_**Ron**: Such a foul word! I think the best thing I can do to kill you is to make you EAT SLUGS!!!!!!!!_

_**Hermione**: My hero! Oh. You're… burping up slugs. Now you're not my hero. By the way, what's a (beep)?_

_**All**: OHHH!!!!!!!!_

_**Hermione**: What's so bad about the word (beep)?_

_**All**: OHHH!!!!!!!_

_**Hermione**: I don't get it! The word (beep) sounds like nothing that's really bad…_

_**All**: Will you stop saying that????_

_**Harry**: Hermy's right! It's like you guys are hearing (beep) as if it is Voldemort._

_**All**: faint_

_**Ron**: Hello??? Have you all forgotten about me???? burp up slug_

**Hagrid**: Zzzzzzzz….

**Lockhart**: Isn't this great Harry? We're male bonding! Like father and son! Ahh, the good days when papa and I were fishing. Of course, I was an expert. I caught a thing called a muggle boot. My papa was so proud. He baked me a chocolate cake for catching one.

**Harry**: No offense dude, but I don't really care. And I really don't like answering each fan letter as "Thank you . I really enjoyed your letter. XOXO. _Lockhart_

**Lockhart**: Gasp! You are so totally on my very baddy list now! In fact, I'm gonna kick you out of this detention!

**Harry**: NOO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! Aw, whatever. I'm hungry.

**Voice**: _Meee tooooo… Yum yum yum, tasty (beep)_

**Harry**: What on earth does (beep) mean?

**Lockhart**: I have no clue cause I'm a brainless git. Anyway, why is the author saying (beep) instead of the real word?

**Harry**: I have no clue.

**Author**: I have no clue either.

**Voice**: _Killll kill a rooster Ginny! Killllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. Cough cough. I got a **pipe** clog in my throat. hint hint for Harry_

**Harry**: Huh????

**Mrs**. **Norris**: Gack! I'm petrified!

**Hermione**: Logically, you cannot be petrified if you are talking. And you can't be talking if you are petrified! DUH!!!!!!

**Ron**: Zzzz… huh? Where am I? AGH! A PETRIFIED CAT!

**Harry**: I think it was the Petrificus Totalus. Totally. It has the word _petrify_ in it. Am I in the smart club now?

**Hermione and Ron**: No.

**Hermione**: You're not in it either.

**Dumbledore**: Wuzzgoinon? AGH! A DEAD CAT! AAAHHH! (run around in circles screaming)

**McGonagall**: My cat! My cat has been petrified-killed!

**Filch**: Ha ha! Stupid cat.

**Harry**: I DIDN'T DO IT!

**Hermione**: Who was accusing you?

**Ron**: I DID IT! WITH MY OWN WAND! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**McGonagall**: Ron, you will get detention for killing that cat.

**Ron**: No, really, I was just kidd-

**Lockhart**: SO sorry, I fell asleep for six hours. Did I miss something?

_You solve the mystery._

_Who petrified the cat?_

**Detective Harry**: There could only be the suspects that were around the area at the time. But who? Monsieur Dumbledore. Where were you at 8:00 PM?

**Dumbledore**: I, like, was in Tokyo eating broccoli.

**McGonagall**: I was in the Great Hall hugging Snape.

**Snape**: I was in the Great Hall hugging McGonagall.

**Hermione**: I was in the bathroom making Polyjuice Potion.

**Ron**: I was eating chicken in Hogsmeade.

**Harry**: And I was in detention.

**Lockhart**: Oh and me!

**Harry**: I was having detention with you! Wait! I have solved the mystery!

**All**: Yes?

**Harry**: It was LOCKHART! You said you were asleep for six hours! But, I was in DETENTION with you!

**Lockhart**: But you do know that it wasn't me.

**Harry**: Yeah, it's the basilisk. But I made a good detective! Right?

_Back to the real world!_

**Hermione**: Professor lady? There is a chamber of secrets right?

**McGonagall**: No, NO NO NO! YOU THOUGHT SO! BUT YOU WERE WRONGGG!!!!!!!!!!

**Harry**: Then why did a basilisk eat my dog?

**Ron**: Because it was hungry! HAHAHA!

**Neville**: Ha ha! Tell me another joke!

**Ron**: Okay, okay, ready? What do you get when you cross a Remus with a Lupin?

**Neville**: I give up without even thinking!

**Ron**: smirk HAHAHA! A REMUS LUPIN!

**Hermione**: Hyuh hyuh hyuh! That's a KNEE slapper! slap

**Everyone**: stare

**Hermione**: What? Just because I'm ten times smarter than all of you guys put together doesn't mean I don't have a sense of hyuh hyuh humor!

Ron: I totally think the hair of Slytherin is Harry.

**Harry**: I totally think so too. Let's go find him!

**Hermione**: No. Let's make this thing where we can turn into Slytherins!

**Harry**: Cool!

**Ron**: Awesome.

**Harry**: We should've thought of it.

**Ron**: Brilliant.

**Harry**: Bloody brilliant.

**Ron**: Love it.

**Harry**: Genius.

**Ron**: Like a star from the idea factory.

**Harry**: Pure genius.

**Ron**: Dude. You said genius like two times in a row.

**Harry**: I'll ignore your extra super mean criticism. Oh darn, I can't. RON MADE FUN OF ME WAHHH.

**Ron**: By the way. How do we turn into slithery people?

**Hermione**: We have to break over 50 school rules…

**Harry and ****Ron**: … ok!

**Harry**: (beep beep beep)

**Ron**: smashes everything in sight

**Harry**: kicks snape

**Ron**: yells at the top of his lungs

**Harry**: runs around screaming that he is the hair of Slytherin.

**Ron**: shoots voldemort

**Harry**: starts rapping a song

**Ron**: yells at Dumbledore

**Hermione**: … by making polyjuice potion.

**Harry and Ron**: Ohh…

**Harry**: QUIDDITCH! OH YEEAHH!

**Malfoy**: I see da snitch and you don't!

**Slytherins**: Go go Harry!

**Gryffindors**: Go go Draco!

**Hermione**: Whoo! I love you Draco! Call me! You know where I am! You know my number!

**Ron**: I'm jealous of that bleached blondie.

**Harry**: I've almost got that gold thingy! Just a bit closer… oh shoot. A ball hit my arm. And it really hurt.

**Hermione**: I'll save you Harry! Ballicus explodicus!

**Ball**: explodicus

**Lockhart**: I'll save you Harry! No more bonesicus in your armsicus!

**Harry**: I got no more arms in my bones!

**Pomfrey**: Oh sure I can mend your bones. Just drink this.

**Harry**: Ok! gulp gulp gulp spit Yucky! It was yucky! Yucky yucky!

**Pomfrey**: Oops! That was supposed to taste like pumpkin juice. I guess I accidentally put Fang's slobber in there!

**Fang**: Woof. Woof. sloobbberrr

**Voice**: _Kill kill kill colin creevey._

**Harry**: OK. I hate that kid anyway.

**Voice**: _Oh darn it. He's got his camera thing. Now he's petrified._

**Harry**: That's the best you can do? Phsshh…

**Dobby**: Yo, yo yo! Dobby dogs in the house!! Oh yeah! Dawg! My homedog! Raise the roof! Raise the roof! Party over here! Party over there! Yo yo yo! Doggy dog yo! Peace.

**Harry**: That was totally weird.

**Dobby**: So I tried to kill you dude. Big DEAL dude! Dude, you need to get of here and run home to that cool people like Todd the mailman! Dude!

**Harry**: Um, dude… no!

**Colin**: I'm petrified! Oh yeah, Harry, here's some grapes.

**Harry**: Thanks. Now go back to being almost dead.

**Colin**: Will do! blegh

**Dumbledore**: Let's totally close the school! Peace on earth man!

**McGonagall**: Oh yes. Rock on dude.

**Pomfrey**: What, are you like, related to Percy?

**Hermione**: I'm making Polly Pocket Juice!

**Ron**: Tell me what it does again. I totally forgot.

**Harry**: It'll turn us into slithery people… sss!

**Moaning Myrtle**: Ohh.. Ohh… I moooan…

**Harry**: Yeah, I kinda guessed by your name written right before your line on the script.

**Moaning Mrytle**: Harry. DIE! So you can share my toilet!

**Ron**: That's kinda gross. Dude.

**Hermione**: What's up with the "dude's" dude?

**Harry**: G'bye dude.

**Lockhart**: Catch my cape! Or else I'll turn you into a… CORNISH PIXY!

**Girl**: Oops, I flubbed it.

**Lockhart**: Poof! You are a pixy!

**Girl**: …

**Lockhart**: Oh darnicakes!

**Snape**: Expel Lee! Arm us! (expelliarmus)

**Lee**: How can I be expelled? What did I do?

**Lockhart and Snape**: And we are armed!

**Hermione**: Ohh! Cute teachers with armor! Cool!

**Harry and Ron**: Yucky!

**Harry**: Scared, Malfoy?

**Malfoy**: As a matter of fact, yeah.

**Harry**: No worries, I'm freaked too.

**Lockhart**: One, two, tree!

**Malfoy**: When guardians levitate! Oh! SA! (Wingardium Leviosa)

**Harry**: AVADA KEDAVRA!

**Malfoy**: Dead.

**Snape**: Dude, "dead" was supposed to be in little stars. Why did you say it instead? Sheesh.

**Malfoy**: Sorry! dead

**Harry**: SSsssssssssssssssssssssSsSSsSSSSsSsSssssssssSSS

**Justin**: Awesome. That snake is like, about to eat me! Oh! Um, NOT AWESOME!

**Ron**: You're a parcel mouth!

**Harry**: What the heck is a package mouth?

**Hermione**: I have no idea. Maybe it means you can fit packages in your mouth! Here! stuff I need to send this elephant to my Aunt Fred.

**Harry**: mmf?

**Voice**: Kill kill again. Justin dude is next on the list.

**Harry**: Aw, whatever. I don't even know who the heck that is.

**Headless Nick**: I totally died again!

**Justin**: Before I go back to being petrified, Harry, can you tell McGonagall that you are the one that killed me?

**Harry**: Shut up. LANGLOCK!

**Snape**: My spell! Gimme back!

**Harry**: …

**Fawkes**: Burn baby burn!

**Harry**: BURN!

**Fawkes**: Alright! Don't have a cow!

**Fawkes**: burn

**Harry**: AGLAGAGAA!!!

**Dumbledore**: Harry! You killed the cat, colin, nearly headless nick, Justin, and now my birdy? I'll let you go this time, but if you murder anyone else, then you get a thirty second detention with ME! Dude! Peace on earth and mars! Oh yeah, and peace on earth!

**Harry**: That, totally, made no sense.

**Dumbledore**: Harry. Dude. Is there something you don't want to say to me?

**Harry**: Yes.

**Dumbledore**: Ok. Bye. Um Dude

**Wow... wasn't that the most pointless thing you ever read?? **


End file.
